I can hardly believe that my girl is almost 2 years old. She seems to grow and change by the day. Yet there are so many things about her that I think will always be part of her personality and character. She is bold, brave, and adventurous in most situations, and I think she always will be. The only thing really seems to make her insecure is if I try to leave or step out of sight when we're with people she views as strangers. I can't blame her really. I mean, she's been through several "abandonments" in her short life. At birth of course, then at almost 5 months when she was moved from the "old folks home" where she was being fostered into the main orphanage, then at 15 months when she was handed to a couple of strangers (us) and her life was once again turned upside down. On Sundays we try to let her stay in the nursery for the 1 1/2 hour service. a few times she's been kind of okay with me leaving..I guess the stars were lined up just right. Most of the time she cries when I try to leave. Not just a normal "I want mama" cry, its a panicked, gut wrenching cry that seems to say "oh no, not again!" I won't let her go through that, so of course I immediately step back in and hang out while she plays with the toys and other kids, or take her into church with me. But sometimes she'll let me step out with few tears. Luckily, they have a two-way mirror so you can check on your little one without them seeing you, so I can watch for a few minutes to make sure she's okay and to see if she calms down and starts playing. We've also noticed that she does better if Doug drops her off in the nursery than if I do.
Another thing that seems to possibly be a residual effect of her orphanage days only occurs around sleep, either before going to sleep, waking from sleep, or if sleep is delayed. It starts out like a normal "toddler who needs a nap" type crankiness but very quickly escalates into something much more dramatic. She stiffens up and cries/screams and thrashes about, sometimes saying "no, no, no" repeatedly. Her eyes are usually shut tight and she can't be calmed with touch or words, in fact she shoves you away. Even her beloved robe gets pushed away. She usually ends up in a corner or against a wall, and you can do little to help her. And when she comes out of it, she's been known to say "hi" as if she just realized you were there, and then she wants to be hugged or held. The only thing I can attribute it to is some sort of night terror (although they don't just occur after she's fallen asleep) or some sort of panic attack. She did this several times in China and in our first days back home. In fact, we've been known to refer to them as her "China fits". Luckily they are very rare these days. As I've said many times , I do believe her orphange was one of the better ones, and that she must have been cared for, as evidenced by the photos two posts ago, and her good health and development when we got her, but it was still an insitutional setting. And all it takes is one less than nice caretaker to infict trauma. I'll never know "the whole story". I know I tend to focus on the cute, happy, positive things with this blog, and honestly, that really is our life, and our Kerry, most of the time. But I would love to know if any of you have experienced anything similar.
And now for some cute, happy, and silly photos. Cuz that's just how she rolls most of the time =).
This is what I get now if I ask her to smile.
We've had some snow lately. Nothing compared to a lot of the country, but enough for Kerry to have some fun.
7 comments:
There are so many unknowns aren't there? I don't really have any great advice for you, but I understand how hard it is. Like Kerry, Makenna does pretty well as long as I am there. We are still working on separating without tears for her Monday speech playgroup. Just go with your gut feeling and give her what you think she needs from you. I am trying to do this with Makenna and I am ignoring anyone who says I am spoiling her. Even though it breaks my heart I know somewhere in the back of her mind she thinks I might leave her. Until she is satisfied that I am here to stay, I'll do whatever it takes. to you and sweet Kerry. You are a great Mama and she is a happy, loved little girl:)
Sorry, I don't have much advice for you on this subject, but I am sure there are others who have experienced a lot of the same thing you are with Kerry.
We had some seperation anxiety issues with Nick. He watched me go through some pretty traumatic stuff when he was an ifant and toddler, and I am convinced that had an effect on his behavior and his constant worry when I left his side. Eventually he got over it, but it was a very slow progression.
I wish you the best of luck....... as time goes on, I believe she will begin to realize that you are not going anywhere and her anxieties will subside.
Hope to see you in April:)
She is so precious....... I love to see her pictures!!
xo,
Lisa
She is just beyond beautiful!! She gets prettier and prettier which wouldnt seem possible as pretty as she already is. :)
Yes, we have issues. Some adoption specialists say that all adopted kiddos have some attachment issues and I think that is pretty accurate. They aren't constant for us, but they show up here and there and we do the best we can. I have to parent differently than many peeps and thus, my better friends have become other adoptive MaMa's who "get" it. I just do what my kiddos need done, even though some grmas and friends dont understand it. I think you are doing great. And I think that putting the time into these things NOW pays off down the road and that is evidenced in my three kiddos.
The bedtime stuff is heart breaking. Does she eventually let you cuddle her? It sure sounds night terror like but I dont understand that she sometimes does it when awake. Poor thing. It is so hard to consider all that these kiddos have been through. I hope that afterward, she is letting you cuddle and reassure her that she is safe and sound and her Mommy is there for her forever. I think that is about all you can do, offer her comfort and reassurance.
Oh my Gin, that part about her 'night terror' is heart wrenching. I hope you get the advice you need. Unfortuantely I have none for you. We didn't go through that with Lilah. You are a super great Mama and she is slowly building her trust in you. These little ones go through so much and they are so individual in personality and how they deal with certain situations.
I absolutely ADORE her new smile!
Jill
Hey Honey - not sure how long you have been reading my blog but we had A LOT of attachment/aniexty issues with Lil Pumpkin early on. I am about to leave for church and a bunch of other oblications . . . but please know that I will be re-reading and getting in touch with you about this . . . just don't want you to feel alone or abnormal!
Hang in there!
XOXO
My Ava has a gut wrenching cry when she wakes from naps...not in the mornings only naptime. She cannot be consoled and she'll push us away. After she calms down, I'll ask her why she pushed us away and she says, I wasn't ready for you. As in "Hey, I need some time to process and then I'll reach out to you." This has only started in the past 6 months...almost like delayed grieving. I know Ava has been with us for 3 years but every child is different and grieves in their own time and way. You're a great mamma and what I keep telling myself is prayer, time, love and God's grace does wonders.
I read your post the other day and wanted to comment but didn't. And now, my girl is raging upstairs and I am at a loss for what to do. She is six years old and every so often...when she gets frustrated or angry ... it turns into a full rage. I try to hold her, love her and comfort her but all to no avail. It is like you said... it's like she is in another world.
Ninety-nine percent of the time, my girl is a very happy and easy going child. Easy to be around, makes friends very easily and does well at school. When she is going through these MAJOR rages... it is sooo hard to know what to do. Like you and so many of us.... I'll keep trying. You are not alone.
Blessings,
Suzanne
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